Poor, Shy Love

Some things are hard to say. 

Perhaps that needs to be rephrased: Some things are hard to say when they are true. It is actually quite easy to lie, despite what most people would have you believe. E knows this. It's hard for him to say he's sorry, but he'll do it. He'll do it with an eye roll and an exaggerated drawl that makes the apology sound more like a toy running on dying batteries: "Sooohhh-ooo-reeeeee!" 

True things can be easy to say, you might argue. Like when someone asks if you'd like some chocolate ice cream (and you happen to really love chocolate ice cream). It's easy to say, "Oh yes. Yes please." J has experimented with this by offering all manner of sweet frozen treats, and her boys always give her an honest answer.

But this isn't really about ice cream, or saying you're sorry when you're not. This is about saying what's hard to say, and in this instance it's easier for J to say it here, through the protective screen. You, dear readers, are easy to confide in. 

This post is about J and her dad, and what's hard to say for one person is better said by another, far more articulate and with CanLit cred to boot. In writing of her relationship with her father, Gabrielle Roy (google her if the name draws a blank) wrote, "The truth was that we were two of a kind, each living in fear of finding our poor, shy love for each other misunderstood." And so it is with J and her dad. 

She can say the words I love you when she's walking him into the nuclear medicine wing, fully aware that he'd rather she not make a fuss: it's just one test and then one surgery and maybe another after that; it's just the course of life when you're over 60 and never wore sunscreen and don't appear to fear anything, let alone cancer. She can say I'll see you after, fully aware that she is not 100% this is true, but it won't help to tell him that when she says those words she really means I'm scared this will be the last time I see you. 

What she really means is she's scared she'll go her whole life never really being sure he knows how much she loves him, this gentle, loyal, hardworking, dedicated man who was always somewhat at sea with such a sensitive child as J.